The corridor
Thursday. A client meeting. Your manager says the delay was your team's fault. It wasn't. You feel the heat climb your neck, and you say nothing, because the client is sitting right there.
Now it's an hour later and you're in the hallway. This is the conversation most men put off or botch. Some go in hot and make it worse. Some say nothing and carry it home for a week. Both cost you your evenings.
This page is for the third option: a short, private, steady word.
The one idea that makes it easier
Marcus Aurelius dealt with difficult people for twenty years, in a military camp, in a court full of schemers, and in his own family. Every morning he wrote himself a warning. In George Long's translation: "Begin the morning by saying to thyself, I shall meet with the busy-body, the ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial." He wrote it in a private notebook, not for an audience. He wasn't being gloomy. He was checking the forecast.
Today that means this: if you walk in already expecting the person to be difficult, you aren't ambushed by it. You can talk about what happened instead of about what kind of man he is.
That leads to the second idea, which Marcus took from Epictetus. What hurts us most is usually not the event but the story we attach to it. Howard changed a deadline, rudely. The story is that he wants you to look incompetent. So the lines below stick to what a camera would have recorded, plus one clear request. No verdicts on character.
Third, Marcus again, in the same book: "The best way of avenging thyself is not to become like the wrong doer." He meant that answering cruelty with cruelty doubles the number of cruel people in the room. Today it means you don't get to be rude back, even when you're right.
How to choose a line
You will not use all 23. Pick two or three from the opening, one or two from the facts, and one clear ask. Keep the "if it gets heated" lines in your pocket. Say them out loud once in the car so they don't feel strange in your mouth.
Benjamin Franklin, looking back in his Autobiography, said he trained himself to stop flatly contradicting people and to put his points as how things appeared to him. That's a good rule here. Be firm on the facts. Be easy on the tone.
Have the talk in private, never in front of the team. If this person is threatening you, harassing you, or making you afraid, skip this page and go to HR or someone who can act.
Add their name in the box and it's filled into the lines that use it.
To open it
Pick a private moment and keep the opening small. You're asking for five minutes, not announcing a trial.
Do you have five minutes? Nothing urgent, but I'd rather say it in private.
It signals you're not here to fight and keeps the audience out. A man who asks calmly has already taken the steadier position.
I want to talk about Thursday's client meeting. I'm not looking for an argument.
Naming the one event keeps you from dragging in a year of grievances. Saying up front that you're not there to fight lowers the guard you'd otherwise meet.
I'm raising this because I want us to work well together.
Marcus's first reminder is that you're part of the same larger whole as the person who annoys you. This line states that without gushing.
Is now okay, or is there a better time today?
Giving them a choice costs you nothing and makes it harder for them to say they were cornered. The point is a conversation, not a win.
To say what happened
This is the camera test. Say only what a camera would have recorded, not what you decided it meant.
In the meeting, the delay was described as our team's. The emails show it was on the supplier's side.
It's a fact with a source, with no adjectives. Epictetus taught that the hurt comes from our judgment of an event, and this keeps the judgment out of it.
I have the emails with me. I can send them over right now.
An offer to show proof is more persuasive than any amount of heat. It turns the talk toward fixing the problem.
I'm not saying it was on purpose. I'm saying the client now has the wrong picture.
You can't know the other man's intent, and Marcus says as much in his fifth reminder: you often don't know that they did wrong at all. This keeps your point without accusing him.
This is the third time a deadline has moved with the whole team in the room. I'd like to understand how that's happening.
A pattern stated with a count is hard to wave away, and ending on a question invites explanation over defense.
To say the hard thing
This is the "teach" half of Marcus's rule: one clear request, no lecture.
I'd like to hear about changes before the meeting, not in it.
It asks for a specific behavior, not a different personality. A request someone can actually grant gets granted far more often.
If something's wrong with my team's work, I want to hear it from you first, directly.
It sets a standard for how you want to be corrected without calling him a bully. It also shows you're open to criticism.
Can we correct it with the client today? A two-line email from you would do it.
It hands him an easy way to fix it without losing face. Marcus advised pointing out a mistake kindly and showing what was overlooked.
What would make this easier on your end?
It's the second reminder in action: picture the whole person and what pressure he's under. You don't have to like the answer, but you'll learn something.
If it gets heated
You can't control his temper, only yours. Marcus compared it to a headland: the waves break on it and go still.
I can see you're frustrated. I'm not going to argue about this. Let's pick it back up when we've both cooled off.
It names the heat without feeding it and gives you a clean exit. Stepping back is not losing.
Thanks. I'll think about that.
For criticism that stings and may be unfair, this buys you time without conceding or fighting. You don't owe a rebuttal on the spot.
I hear you. I still need the correction made.
It acknowledges him and holds your ground in the same breath. You can repeat it calmly as many times as you need to.
Give me a second to think about that.
Silence feels long, but it's the cheapest tool you have. The first reaction is usually the one you'll regret.
To own your part
If you have a share in it, say so. Marcus's advice was to ask what similar fault you have yourself.
I should have flagged the supplier delay to you earlier. That's on me.
Own only what's true. A clean admission takes away his best counterattack and earns you a hearing.
I've been short with you in meetings lately. I'll work on that.
Say this only if it's true. It reflects Marcus's fourth reminder that you're a lot like the person who irritates you.
I don't know what's going on for you this year. If it's heavy, I'm not going to make it heavier.
It makes room for the possibility that he's carrying something you can't see. It doesn't excuse him. It just lowers the temperature.
After, and if it goes badly
Close it out like a professional. If he won't budge, you still decide how you leave.
Thanks for hearing me out. I'll send those emails over this afternoon.
Ending on a concrete next step lets the conversation finish on a note of action. Then do exactly what you said.
I'll send a short note so we're working from the same list.
A written recap protects you without making it sound like a threat. It also keeps the memory from shifting later.
Okay. We see it differently. I'll keep doing my work and I'll keep the records.
This is the "bear" half of teach-or-bear. You tried once, calmly. You don't have to win him over to leave with your head up.
I'd rather settle this with you. If we can't, I'll ask someone to sit in with us.
It tells him your plan in plain words, with no surprise and no threat. It leaves the door open and still gives you a next step.
What not to say
You always do this.
It's a verdict, and "always" is almost never true. He'll argue about the word and miss your point.
You're just trying to make me look bad.
You can't know his motive, and accusing him invites a denial. Stick to what happened and what you want instead.
Everyone on the team thinks you're a jerk.
It drags others into your fight and is unlikely to be fully true. It also makes you the one starting the rumor.
Fine. Whatever. Forget it.
This is false patience: swallowing it and calling it peace. Nothing is fixed, and you'll carry it home.
After the conversation
Don't replay it. You said what you meant to say. If you can, write down two lines that night: what was agreed, and what you'll do next. Then do it. Nothing settles a tense relationship like doing exactly what you said you would.
If you said something you wish you hadn't, correct it once, briefly, the next day. "I was sharper than I needed to be yesterday. Sorry about that." Then leave it alone.
Notice how long it takes you to come back to normal. Marcus lost his temper too, which is why he kept writing the same reminders. You won't stop being annoyed. What changes is how fast you recover.
If it goes badly
Sometimes the person won't hear it. He denies everything, gets louder, or smiles and changes nothing. That doesn't mean you spoke badly. Marcus's rule was to teach or bear. If you've made one calm attempt and it's bounced off, you can bear it for now and keep doing your work cleanly, with your records in order. That isn't giving up. It's choosing your battles.
If it keeps happening, the next step is a witness. Bring in HR, a higher manager, or a mentor you trust, and bring your dated notes. Don't carry a pattern like this alone for a year. And if the question starts to be whether you can stay in the job at all, make that decision on a calm Saturday, not on the drive home from a bad meeting.
If your anger over this is getting hard to control, or it's leaking onto the people you love, that's worth taking to a counselor or doctor. That's not weakness. It's the sensible thing to do.
The full method for dealing with people like this, including the nine questions Marcus asked himself whenever someone offended him, is in Marcus Aurelius on Difficult People in 40 Minutes. It's about forty minutes long, and it will help you walk into the next one already steady.
The ideas, decoded
- The Morning Warning
- A thirty-second routine in which you tell yourself at the start of the day that you'll meet difficult people. It comes from the opening of Book 2 of Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. It takes away much of the surprise that fuels anger.
- Judgment, not event
- The Stoic idea that what disturbs us is our view of what happened, not the thing itself. Epictetus taught it, and Marcus Aurelius repeated it often. It's why these lines stick to facts.
- The camera test
- An exercise from this book, built on Epictetus: write what a camera would have recorded, then list what you added afterward. The list of additions is usually longer than the act.
- Teach or Bear
- Marcus Aurelius's rule for dealing with people who do wrong: either help them see better or put up with them. What doesn't help is the third thing, which is stewing and complaining.
- The Nine Reminders
- A numbered list in Book 11 of the Meditations, from Marcus Aurelius, of things to remember when someone offends you. They include picturing the person's whole life and recalling that you make mistakes too.
- Sincere kindness
- Marcus Aurelius's claim that real kindness, paired with honest correction, is something a difficult person can't easily beat. He meant steady decency, not a doormat's smile.
Questions people ask
What if he denies it and says it didn't happen that way?
Don't argue about his memory. Offer the record: "I have the emails, I can send them over." If he still won't move, you've said it calmly and on the record, and that's the most you can do.
Should I say this out loud or put it in an email?
For a first attempt at a difficult but fixable problem, a private talk usually works better, because tone carries. Follow it with a short written recap of what was agreed. If the talk is likely to get ugly or there's a pattern, put things in writing from the start.
What if this is my boss and I'm worried about backlash?
Keep it about the work, not about him. Ask for specific changes, keep dated notes, and know your next step, such as HR or a higher manager, before you begin. If you're being harassed or threatened, skip the conversation and go straight to HR or another source of help.
How soon after the incident should I raise it?
Soon enough that the facts are fresh, but not while you're still hot. Same day or next morning is usually right. Marcus's advice was to pause and ask what you're adding to it before you act.
What if I'm too angry to say any of this calmly?
Then don't say it yet. Write down the camera version, walk, sleep on it, and have the talk tomorrow. Waiting a day is a plan. Blowing up isn't.